The economy, the oil spill, the confirmation of Elena Kagan, our ninth year in Afghanistan. Boring! What you care about are celebrities – and I’m here to dish out the latest! This is Celebrity Roundup!
In case you missed it, 24-year-old Amanda Bynes recently announced she was coming out of early retirement! Whew – that’s a relief! Maybe that long-awaited “What I Like About You” movie will happen after all. Let’s cross our fingers.
Laurence Fishburne’s daughter, Montana, has decided to make her film debut – in an adult film. She cites Kim Kardashian as a major influence in her decision. I have only two questions about this story. Who’s Kim Kardashian? And what’s an adult film? Anyway, congrats on the big career move, Montana!
Guess who’s coming to Oprah Winfrey’s OWN channel? It’s Rosie O’Donnell. Finally, Rosie will have a daytime talk show. Why hasn’t this been done before?
I wasn’t feeling well this week, so I went to see the doctor. It turns out I have Bieber fever – and the prognosis is not good! You see, pop superstar Justin Bieber is working on his memoirs, and a 3D biopic of his life is also in pre-production. Biebs, we love you! We love you, we love you, we love you!
For some reason, Charlie Sheen and Snooki are in the news. Maybe for related things, maybe not. I just saw them in the headlines and decided, why not, I’ll give them a sentence or two.
I finally figured out who Mary-Kate Olsen’s celebrity look-alike is. Salma Hayek! They might as well be twins!
No one is saying it, but the only reason that people are mad at Mel Gibson is that they’re jealous their insults aren’t as creative as his. (Or as racist.) Some people – like Mel – just have a gift. Don’t begrudge them!
This week, Ellen DeGeneres announced that she would not be returning for another season of “American Idol.” Her reason? She hated hurting people’s feelings. Ellen, though six more sessions of therapy still await me, I want you to know I forgave you a long time ago. Try not to beat yourself up.
Entertainment is dead. Mary Hart is stepping down as longtime host of “Entertainment Tonight.” It’s a sad, sad day in America. Maybe the saddest. Mary, no one can ever replace you as the most trusted source for (celebrity) news. But I’ll try. You would want me to.
I bet you can’t guess who is out of jail and entering rehab for 90 fun-filled days. Nope, it’s not me. It’s our favorite girl, Lindsay Lohan. Does this girl know how to party or what? And where can I find one of those beautiful leg bracelets?
Wyclef Jean is running for president of Haiti. Really!
You know who is primed for a career comeback? Patrick Swayze. Think about it – when was the last time you’ve heard his name connected with a project? And yet, everyone loves him! So, let’s do it. Give the people what they want: Ghost II. (Too soon? Not soon enough, methinks. Ghost was 20 years ago!)
Guess who’s been hanging out in Alaska recently? None other than Kate Gosselin and Mama Grizzly herself, Sarah Palin! In a lot of ways, this makes a lot of sense. In other ways, it still makes a lot of sense.
Meanwhile, Wasilla’s favorite on/off couple are… off again. After learning that her fiancé might be fathering another baby with a different ex, Bristol Palin told Levi Johnston to hit the road. You go, girl! No word on whether the relationship will be “on again” if any networks express interest in producing the reality show they pitched together in July.
Last week, President Barack Obama sat down with hosts from “The View” to discuss Afghanistan, the economy, and… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, I fell asleep. Anyway, they also talked about a bunch of other boring stuff. On the bright side, the hosts also asked him about Snooki. Yea, Snooki!
On Thursday, actor and former L.A. Laker great Shaquille O’Neal signed a veteran’s minimum contract to become a Boston Celtic! Hopefully, L.A. won’t play the part of a scorned bitter ex and blacklist The Big Clover from making more movies. I’m still hoping to see a sequel to Kazaam.
Rule one of writing a light-hearted roundup of celebrities is to avoid referencing any other comedians, like Zach Galifanakis, because people will immediately remember that guy is funnier than what you are currently writing. So I won’t mention that Zach has a film out, called Dinner for Schmucks, also starring funnyman Steve Carell. I haven’t seen the movie, but you should!
That’s it for this week’s edition of Celebrity Roundup. Remember, if you’re not famous, you’re not anybody. See you next time!
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Tem Jhoenz is a bona fide librarian, blogs eponymously here/there, and collects smiles. Tem is an alum of Second City's Writing Program and has studied improvisation at The Annoyance in Chicago. You would like Tem if you met him. He's good people.
Any news on whether Bieber also got his idea for his 3-D biopic from Kim Kardashian?
I’m glad you asked! I have no idea.