July 22, 2010
Laramie, Wyoming – A long-term study has finally yielded some solid results. According to Dr. Andres Welk of the Scientific Institute for Social Equality “It’s true. Everyone’s crap really does stink the same.” Over the past four years he and a distinguished group of scientific researchers have been working on a study of perceptions and factual data regarding the smells of fecal matter across differing cultures, socio-economic demographics, and most recently, political groups.
“The most recent set of experiments we conducted were with Democrats and Republicans. We had a control group of about a thousand and an experimental group of about twice that. We focused mostly on a series of blinding tests where the subjects of the experiments would have several control samples and only one or two from the experimental groups. The results were overwhelming – they had no idea whose drek was whose!” Additional data proves the scientists theories, as similar studies with different opposing groups yielded almost the exact same results. According to Dr. Welk “We did studies with whites Vs. various other ethnicities, those same ethnicities pitted against each other, the proletariat and the bourgeoisie, religious groups, you name it. We even had the work force of an entire office building operating nearby come and join the study. They were surprisingly enthusiastic.”
Andres said the research group had no difficulty in finding subjects for the experiments. “People were lining up at the door. Of course, we didn’t disclose all of the requirements of the study when taking in applicants, but they got the general idea. When we asked most people why they were joining the study, most said they had something to prove to someone outside of the experiment. Exes, colleagues, etcetera. It wasn’t really all that scientific, from that standpoint. A lot of them were mostly interested in finding out about their own crap. These folks in particular were dramatically displeased with the results.”
He’s not kidding there. As I was conducting my interview with Andres there was a throng of protesters outside the institute rallying together to defend their feces. “The ‘facts’ that these guys claim to be finding are just not true.” Said protester Mark Warberg, 24, of Kendall, Wyoming. “Believe me, I know myself well enough to tell you that near everyone else’s s–t stinks way worse than mine. And that’s what we’re about, here. Hell, I’ll send ‘em samples if it’ll prove it to them!” Warberg argues that it is “downright wrong” to try to equalize everyone on grand a scale and says he takes great offense at being compared to certain other groups, which he left unspecified. “I’ve worked hard in my life. I’ve educated myself, kept an open mind, and by now everything that I am and everything that I know is something I’m sure I’m right about. And now these closed-minded, idiot scientists are trying to tell me that I don’t know my own s–t?! It’s unforgivable.”
But Warberg’s battle is not new – since its inception, the project has been a fight for the scientists. Two years into their study they lost backing from several of their supporters due to the developing results. Apparently what the researchers were finding did not match the desired results of many of their contributors. To add insult to injury, several organizations sprung up in order to stop the research. These organizations (who asked not to be named in this article) say they resent being told that they are equal to literally the entire rest of the world, particularly in such a serious respect. They don’t see at all how everyone could possibly be equal in this particular sense. Said one unnamed supporter of an opposed organization “It’s as if these researchers can’t even smell it. And you know what? That makes their’s stink the worst.”
Regardless, the psychological implications of the study have proven very interesting for the researchers, and as well to the psychological community. I’m told that they will undoubtedly get involved, eventually. Says Catherine Boyle of the Institute “It’s not as though the subjects of the experiments necessarily all denied that their own excrement stank, but they would insist – even after they were shown the results of their experiments – that their group’s stank less. It was fascinating at first, but it quickly became incredibly annoying to our purposes. In our de-briefing sessions we would argue our results with experiment participants sometimes until both parties were blue in the face. It’s as if the whole world is simply incapable of being reasoned with.”
According to the recent findings of this study, he couldn’t be more right.
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Colin Flanigan is a writer, musician, and artist. He currently studies English and Media studies in the Chicagoland area, heads up the band The Aches and Pains, and blogs at The Syllabus.
I just wanted to say, a month after the fact, that I really enjoyed this piece.
Thanks man! I had started to wonder if anyone even read this thing or not, and I’m really glad to hear someone enjoyed it.
excellent writing .